Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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