Screwed.edu
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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