You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
