can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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