i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
