I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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