Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
farters have to be the big spoon...
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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