I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize