i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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