Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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