then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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