Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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