You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
The convent might be a nice break from real life
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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