Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
