I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Why did my mother make you get naked?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
