I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
