Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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