im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
