I feel great
I just peed on a car
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Randomize
