you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
