you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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