Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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