I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
This baby is an asshole
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
