Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
