You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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