We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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