In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
