I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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