I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Randomize
