i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize