the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
