You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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