i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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