Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
