she was so not down for the gang bang
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
organizing the empties. That sober.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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