He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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