I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
