What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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