They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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