I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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