Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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