In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
