how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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