Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
