Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm passing your future prison.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
