please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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