did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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