i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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