Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
