if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
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