Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
