I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
