how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
