I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
